The Catcher in the Rye

I’m not sure if many of you know, but May is National Mental Health Awareness Month. Mental health is so important, and I didn’t want to let it go by without addressing it. Obviously this isn’t something that should only get coverage throughout the month of May so let me encourage you to dive into June with the important message of acknowledging your mental health. I say that with the intention of sharing my personal experiences, not because I’m by any means an expert on mental health. 

            I fully understand that social media is used as a method of highlighting our successes but as I’ve said before, I consider myself a very transparent person and because of that I don’t want to give you the wrong impression. I have ugly days, ugly weeks, months and I’ve definitely had an ugly year. I don’t mean my looks, well not only my looks that is. I’m not sure where to even begin or even how in depth I want to go with talking about this but I promised myself I would try. While I type this out, I’m unsure how to phrase it or how to begin talking about it, because it isn’t something we’re taught to do, despite the fact that I’m fairly comfortable with who I am, my weirdness, my passions and my sadness. I’m comfortable with it because I’ve been taught how to deal with it, and I’ve been living with it. I struggle finding the words to explain it to others though, because I’ve never had to explain it. My family loves me and I don’t think they need me to explain anything, I’m fortunate in that they are supportive and offer unconditional love. The same could be said for my friends. So forgive me for not sounding too articulate, I’ve just never been so public about certain parts of myself. I think I’m a very emotional person, and by that I don’t mean sensitive. I just mean I have a lot of powerful emotions and some get so overwhelming that they’re all I feel for awhile. A few years ago, I believe it was my junior year of high school, was when sadness became the prominent emotion in my life. I can’t tell you that there’s one single thing that triggered it, it just slowly built up until it completely washed over me and I felt like I was drowning. I had to get very honest with myself and asked my parents if I could start seeing a therapist. I did for about a year, maybe a year and a half? I don’t remember too well; it feels like a lifetime ago. I stopped seeing her because I left to college and by the time I came back, I felt that I’d learn how to cope with my emotions on my own fairly well. I also had my faith to fall back on during really hard times. I understand not everyone is religious and I won’t even pretend to be the best example of a Christian but your faith can be in your family, your friends, or in love alone. I will admit there are times when I get so frustrated with dealing with the same sadness over and over that I don’t reach out to family or friends, at times I simply pray. You feel annoying sometimes. I suppose I do feel ashamed too, at least on my bad days. On my really ugly days, I can’t even talk to myself. I get sick of myself. I get frustrated with myself.

“Why aren’t you better?”

“This again.”

“What’s wrong now?”

I know blaming yourself is wrong. I know to call myself out when I’m being toxic but so many things are easier said than done. Sometimes the ugly days win, and that’s something I’m still learning to be okay with. 

            Depression isn’t a dirty word, neither is bipolar disorder, anxiety, schizophrenia, obsessive-compulsive disorder or any other mental disorder. Perhaps they’re avoided because we don’t understand them and too often in our society we dismiss the things we don’t understand. Of course living with them can present certain challenges but pushing these very real issues away doesn’t make them disappear. It can escalate their severity; it can push people to isolation. I’d like to advocate for the simplicity of awareness. Pay attention to your well being, to that of those you love. You can’t cure it yourself but you can love them, you can listen or do something as simple as believe them and not judge them, you can encourage them to get help, you can even be there with them to get help, my point being, you shouldn’t just be a bystander. If you’re the one struggling, then let this be your nudge to acknowledge your own feelings. It is okay not to be okay. Let’s do something about it. Whether you talk to me or your best friend, parents, or spouse, just please don’t try to ignore your feelings. 

            I didn’t intend to make this about me. However, in re-reading The Catcher in the Rye, I was reminded of a very hard time in my life and I couldn’t accurately capture my appreciation for it without opening up.

            At surface level, this is a book about the night adventure of the teenage Holden Caulfield. He’s an angry, lonely individual who just failed out of yet another school. I know at first, his repetitive and seemingly never ending complaining appear to be the entire premise of the book but there’s so much more to it. JD Salinger vividly captures the motions of someone struggling with depression. Salinger developed a character in need of love, a character with an abundance of complex emotions. This book is a simple read (it’s narrated by Holden) if you don’t dig deeper into it but once you do, there’s so much to dissect! Holden isn’t angry, he’s hurting. He struggles dealing with the lack of interest in anything, he’s grieving with the loss of his brother, the sexual assault he experienced as a child, the constant change happening when all he wants is for life to stop. I love this book because, for lack of a better word, it’s real. Sadness is an emotion everyone can relate to but not necessarily something everyone wants to talk about and this book does it. Holden isn’t some eloquent scholar, he’s an impulsive, blunt teenager who doesn’t know how to deal with himself so he acts out. The entire book is Holden reflecting on his night in New York and you get a good understanding of who he is, I know a lot of people might find this kind of book boring but I love it for it’s honesty, for talking about the things society shames. Again, it may not be up your ally but I’m a fan of anything that exposes strong emotion. 

            This book was gifted to me by a good friend of mine who was visiting Powell’s bookstore and asked if I wanted anything. I remember loving this book in high school but couldn’t remember why so I requested it to get the chance to re-read it and I’m beyond grateful that I did. That being said, if you wish to borrow it, please don’t hesitate to ask!